Friday, January 16, 2009
Day 2....is it just a long weekend?
Wow, I am speechless. Logging in this evening to see the comments from people that I know as well as complete strangers. Thanks to all for the encouragement and the friendly greetings!
Now I feel a pressure to make this blog a bit more entertaining for the reader while still being an outlet for me. Don't fear, and no offense, I will limit my efforts to provide entertainment. Just hoping to keep things real and toss ideas and thoughts out into the ether. I look forward to continuing to make connections here as well.
Today was the first day I did not report to work. Despite the fact that I was awake until 1:30Am, I still woke up at 6am....our bodies are amazing in that it knew the time without my alarm blaring.
Another amazing feature of our bodies is the processing power and timing of our brains. When I finally got into bed, thinking I was worn out and would just fall fast asleep, my brain kicked into high gear. The whole day began to replay in my head like a really odd, mostly boring movie. I walked through the drive to work and the fresh snow that caused the commute to be slightly longer than normal. Then moved in through the daily staff meeting at work and finally to the meeting I had with Human Resources. Next I was back at my cube packing things up, when it hit me. I sat straight up in bed and realized that I had forgotten to empty my file drawer. How bizarre.
Getting back to today, it was a very odd day. As I said in my last post, I am a creature of habits and routines. I am most happy when I have a schedule to follow. I can handle unexpected events, as long as I have the opportunity to plan-even if just for a moment.
So I planned my day yesterday....
go do something fun for me
I didn't get the sleep in part accomplished, but I have my resume ready and I met up with some friends for dinner which was great fun.
Now for something different, my mom mentioned to me that there is a grieving process involved with this situation. Remembering back to my the one semester of psychology that I took my sophomore year of college, there are five stages of grief:
-Denial and Isolation
I have come to the conclusion that the stages come and go in any order depending on several factors which, I am convinced, includes the tide and somewhere in there are the lottery numbers.
Right now, Denial, Depression and Acceptance are battling for position. I refuse to allow myself to be angry long because there is no one to be angry at that would accomplish anything. Second, there is currently no bargaining as it has already happened and there is no changing that.
My coping mechanism is to stay busy and not think about the fact that it happened........denial, lol. By deferring the thoughts, I set myself up for a wave of sadness when the thought does cross my mind. Which makes me not want to think about it anymore.
There are two major thought processes taking place simultaneously. One deals with the past and the fact that things have changed. The second, and the scariest, is dealing with the future. I can vividly see the events that have transpired to this point. As would be expected, I do not see much in front of me but white space with a ton of question marks.
I am a visual person and so my thoughts are usually associated with pictures. My current view of the future is best described by the Wile E Coyote picture at the top....I was on solid ground with a destination in front of me. Now I am suddenly in thin air. The momentum I had previously has no bearing on the current situation. So here I am, hanging out in the open air, with a silly look on my face trying to figure out what happens next.