Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Keep your fork...

I heard a pastor give a sermon once on what to do when you seem to be facing adversity. He used the saying that I am sure most of us have heard when having a family meal once the main course is done. Someone will get up to clear the plates so that desert can be served, they say "Keep your fork". This lets you know that desert is on its way.

He went on to say that when you are having a rough time, keep your fork, because good things are coming. God has a plan to prosper and not to harm you.

So there are a few perks to not having a job to report to each day.
1. I don't have to shave everyday. I still do, but it is nice not to do it until later in the day.
2. No dress code. I have a couple pairs of camo-pants that are very comfortable, but would never be work appropriate. Its nice to be able to be comfortable.
3. Being able to ignore the 6am alarm. I still have it set, in case I feel motivated to get up when it goes off.
4. Staying up late. I am a night owl, and like being out at night.
5. Going along with #4, going for late night drives. Bring along some good music and just cruise around town with very little traffic.

You have to keep an eye out for the good things happening around you or you will find yourself wrapped up in darkness.

One thing that is a blessing of sorts is that one of my friends is a nurse with a 3 days on/4 day off schedule. So we have been hanging out. One can only apply for jobs so much each day, so we meet up for lunch or try to find something to watch on TV.

Along the lines of TV...I never really have watched too much tv, but I have realized there are not a lot of choices in day time televisions. My friends give me a hard time by asking for updates on the daily soaps.....No, I am not watching them.....I prefer The View. (NOT!)

On the job front, there are a couple of pots that are starting to warm up. Don't want to get my hopes up, but they are apparently really impressed with my resume and are willing to find a opening for me even though no job requisitions exist at the moment. Gonna keep praying for that and see what there is in store for me.

Thanks Everyone for reading and the comments. I am not good at commenting back, but I will try.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Day 3ish. Cleaning house

So John does not do well with excess time and energy....

My job required a lot of thinking; There were problems to be solved, bugs to find, failures to debug, etc.... In just two days of not working, my brain is racing with all this extra processing power.

Though I do not have a diagnosis, I am pretty positive that I suffer from Attention Deficit. Suffer is not the right word, I quite enjoy it. I think the people around me are actually the ones suffering.

The reason I mention the two things above, is that my job had a lot of things to do, which fed my ADD. So that by the time I got home, I was too worn out to bounce around and lose focus.

Because I am not using up my brain juice, I am running around like crazy. I can't sleep. When I do, I dream about the work I left unfinished. I am experiencing the ground hog day scenario dreaming the same dream about the same task both Thursday and Friday night. Here's looking to the encore tonight.

I spent today at home and got a lot of projects started. Not completed, but at least moving along.

I cleaned up my laundry room, but did not finish the laundry.
I finished painting the edges of the doorways in my hallway. I didn't edge along the ceiling.
I spent time partially cleaning the living room, kitchen, office and my bedroom.
I took one of my computers apart. I did however have to completely put it back to together as I am using it now to type this.

I did finally get my hair cut. It was well beyond the point where I should have done it. It looks good, however, now my head is cold, lol.

So the thoughts today were interesting. I am trying to update my resume and I am hung up on the Objective Statement. The last time I used this resume, I was looking for entry level engineering positions. I am not in that boat anymore. I have so much more of myself to offer after three years, that I can look for jobs in alot of different areas.

I really have a passion for people and technology. Ideally, I see my self in a project manager role. But I also could see myself teaching....college. I know I could not handle anything below that.

As I type I am realizing that I am offer complicating this and thinking too much. I am always guilty of over-thinking.

I will keep this one shorter than the last post...it was quite the workout to the scroll finger I found out today ;)

One final thing....I am soliciting some advice. I internalize all my emotions. I have always held on to my stress until the point where I melt down. I realize that this is not healthy and the daily migraines are a constant reminder. The problem is that I have no idea how to not do this to myself. Any tips? I have to get this under control because it is going to be stressful in the coming days and weeks.

Thanks for reading, and have a great Saturday night.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Day 2....is it just a long weekend?

Wow, I am speechless. Logging in this evening to see the comments from people that I know as well as complete strangers. Thanks to all for the encouragement and the friendly greetings!

Now I feel a pressure to make this blog a bit more entertaining for the reader while still being an outlet for me. Don't fear, and no offense, I will limit my efforts to provide entertainment. Just hoping to keep things real and toss ideas and thoughts out into the ether. I look forward to continuing to make connections here as well.

Today was the first day I did not report to work. Despite the fact that I was awake until 1:30Am, I still woke up at 6am....our bodies are amazing in that it knew the time without my alarm blaring.

Another amazing feature of our bodies is the processing power and timing of our brains. When I finally got into bed, thinking I was worn out and would just fall fast asleep, my brain kicked into high gear. The whole day began to replay in my head like a really odd, mostly boring movie. I walked through the drive to work and the fresh snow that caused the commute to be slightly longer than normal. Then moved in through the daily staff meeting at work and finally to the meeting I had with Human Resources. Next I was back at my cube packing things up, when it hit me. I sat straight up in bed and realized that I had forgotten to empty my file drawer. How bizarre.

Getting back to today, it was a very odd day. As I said in my last post, I am a creature of habits and routines. I am most happy when I have a schedule to follow. I can handle unexpected events, as long as I have the opportunity to plan-even if just for a moment.

So I planned my day yesterday....
sleep in
Update resume
go do something fun for me

I didn't get the sleep in part accomplished, but I have my resume ready and I met up with some friends for dinner which was great fun.

Now for something different, my mom mentioned to me that there is a grieving process involved with this situation. Remembering back to my the one semester of psychology that I took my sophomore year of college, there are five stages of grief:
-Denial and Isolation

I have come to the conclusion that the stages come and go in any order depending on several factors which, I am convinced, includes the tide and somewhere in there are the lottery numbers.

Right now, Denial, Depression and Acceptance are battling for position. I refuse to allow myself to be angry long because there is no one to be angry at that would accomplish anything. Second, there is currently no bargaining as it has already happened and there is no changing that.

My coping mechanism is to stay busy and not think about the fact that it happened........denial, lol. By deferring the thoughts, I set myself up for a wave of sadness when the thought does cross my mind. Which makes me not want to think about it anymore.

There are two major thought processes taking place simultaneously. One deals with the past and the fact that things have changed. The second, and the scariest, is dealing with the future. I can vividly see the events that have transpired to this point. As would be expected, I do not see much in front of me but white space with a ton of question marks.

I am a visual person and so my thoughts are usually associated with pictures. My current view of the future is best described by the Wile E Coyote picture at the top....I was on solid ground with a destination in front of me. Now I am suddenly in thin air. The momentum I had previously has no bearing on the current situation. So here I am, hanging out in the open air, with a silly look on my face trying to figure out what happens next.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Spare time

I have recently inherited a vast amount of free time. I say inherited because it was given to me without me asking and it involved alot of paper work. With this newly found time, I need something to occupy my time and keep my brain churning so the rational choice was to start a blog.....

I gained this time because I was laid off today.

Don't worry; Its ok. Or will be. Its not now, but it isn't bad.

I loved my job. Sure, everything has its ups and downs, but I got a lot of satisfaction from the work I was doing. There were tangible results from my efforts.

I also really liked the people I worked with. As big a company as it was, it was very familial. I will miss seeing them everyday, but I hope to keep in touch.

The above statements is what makes it so hard for me right now. I was happy; and they took it. If you don't know me, or don't pay enough attention, you will know that I am a bit of a creature of habbit. Change is neccessary and unavoidable, but as long as I have a say in it, I am good.

I had no say. Therefore, I am not happy. Where is my routine? Up at set time, out the door at set time, grab coffee, run reports, etc....

Boy is Friday (the first unemployed day) going to suck...Maybe I won't go to bed and friday morning won't come.....yeah, probably not.

So I do my best to stay positive. Feeling sorry for myself and having a bitter attitude does nothing for the fact that I lost my job. There will be positive end results if I remain positive.

Had a discussion tonight with my mom about whether Karma is a biblical concept. I say that yes, it is. Reaping what you sow, as well as do unto others, as you would have them do unto you are biblical concepts that have similarities to the idea of Karma.

I would like to think that by maintaining a positive attitude, striving for the best in this situation and not allowing my self to be bitter or hostile can only reap good things for me.

So for my first post, this was quite the fragmented mess, but that maps pretty well to my state of mind. Expect more of the same for future posts as I don't anticipate much more clarity in the coming days.

Really wish I had lasted longer at work to succeed at my "Achieve Goal" of managing ambiguity.